i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The air was thick with penises
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
