Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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