connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
