I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize