God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
