So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
