There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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