Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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