I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
