he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize