I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
