I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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