I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize