saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
