also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
