i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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