The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
