I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
