What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
