She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
