my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize