just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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