The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
