Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
