so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize