i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
