If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I need moral support for this bender
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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