there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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