how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
