So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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