I just saw a hot homeless man
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
