I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
