yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
