I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize