Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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