I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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