You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
