Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
