I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
