My room smells like vodka and shame
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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