Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Less talking, more tequila
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
