True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize