if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
im on a boat
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