Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
