she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh god it's open bar.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
