He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
