I wish my penis had an off switch
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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