wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
