He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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