Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize