he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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