Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
