The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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