My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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