So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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