Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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