For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
