You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
