Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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